


As They Live Dying

by bslate



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-01
Updated: 2014-03-01
Packaged: 2018-01-14 05:32:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1254757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bslate/pseuds/bslate





	As They Live Dying

Merlin was tired. It seeped through his bones and his magic; he could feel it when he walked and slept. It scared him how heavily his shoulders weighed with the force of destiny, how easily he had become a broken man. Fate had turned him into someone he no longer respected, no longer recognized, and he hated that he had no one to blame but himself. And he did that in plenty – he blamed himself for all the wrongs of those he should have protected and guided, and he blamed himself for all the ways in which he failed to be the man he should have been. Noble, proud, unafraid – these were ideals that had drifted so far from reach that he no longer considered them attainable, so instead he settled for making the decisions no one else seemed willing to make. He could see it in their faces as they searched for the virtuous path; he could see in Gaius’s eyes as he studied Merlin, imploring him to find another way. But he knew there rarely were other ways, and so he became the man that secretly ruled and secretly punished – the grey conscience of the kingdom.

 

Merlin had forgotten what desire felt like. He felt only guilt, so much that it broke his heart and suffocated him in the dead of night when the world became a vacuum for dreams and desperation. He didn’t dare to laugh anymore, terrified that he would not be able to stop should they twist into sobs and wreck his body with vicious fervor. When he looked at Arthur he looked through him, past him, seeing the faces of all the men he’d killed and all the choices he had yet to make. The days felt cold, the nights hot, and Merlin soon found that seasons would pass without his notice or permission. And he thought, at some level, whether they realized it or not, everyone was waiting for his permission. They waited, but they rarely waited long.

___________

 

Arthur wanted Merlin so badly he grew miserable with it. He wanted him desperately and with so much of himself, he walked with grief as he watched the man he knew wane in the lengthening days. He knew, truly, that Merlin would always be the man Arthur wished he could be. He knew that while he lead, Merlin ruled, Merlin conquered, Merlin controlled. Arthur had no illusions of his own autonomy; he knew what he owed Merlin.

 

Guilt murdered his longing, and as Merlin decayed Arthur decayed with him. He knew what this position he afforded Merlin had cost them both and for all his life he knew he could never accept how much he had broken Merlin, for fear that his shame would be the death of him.

 

So they died together, slowly and without a second thought, as their eager hands worked terrible miracles that left them sickened and sateless.


End file.
